Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Lance Berkman forced to return to an uncomfortable situation this week

This is a tough week for Lance Berkman, former Astro and current member of the St. Louis Cardinals, as he returns to play again in Minute Maid Park.

If you remember, when he originally left Houston for the Yankees, he talked about how coming back to the Astros someday to end his career would be great.

However, last night on Fox 26 News, he seemed reluctant to even come back for this week's series. He even stated that playing in Minute Maid Park was an experience he just wanted to get over with.

There are things he could do while he's in town to make the experience more enjoyable. Why not try to get Alyson Footer to set up a threesome with a gospel rock band, or see if you can get some of the guys together for an orgy with some go-go dancers? How about some pancakes with Hunter Pence?

On second thought, don't do any of that, Lance. Your wife simply doesn't deserve that, and frankly, Jesus would be disappointed with you.

Who's going to win the ballgames? It's hard to say. J.D., play-by-play announcer, says these Astros have great speed.

Just check out the post-game interview with the Astros player after the Milwaukee game Saturday night. I haven't laughed that hard at an interview with a professional athlete since the halftime debacle with Lawrence Taylor years ago after he got out of jail for buying crack.

Lance Berkman is a man of principle. A man of honor. The fans in Houston will most likely give him a standing ovation this week, and rightly so. He has a lot to be proud of, and he's contributed much to the Houston community. I'm happy he's having such a good season, and I think most people in Houston would say the same.

The fact is, no matter how many wins or losses the Houston Astros rack up this season, the unspoken truth is that this team has been marred by problems both on and off the field.

Lance Berkman's return is a reminder of better times and the good memories we had as Astros fans years ago before bad ballplayers and bad front-office bullshit fucked up a great thing.

I wouldn't give a shit about any of this if they had made the decision to stay the fuck out of my personal life over the years.

I wish Lance continued success with the Cardinals. I won't be at Minute Maid Park tonight, but I'll stand here and clap with the Houston fans if he is honored.

Traffic exchanges are fantastic except for the emails you have to receive

I owe a great deal of gratitude to the traffic exchange industry.

For many years, I would sit for hours on end and click those damn things, rotating my blog.

If you don't know what a traffic exchange is, here is a link to one of the best. An explanation of how they function is on that page.

People often wonder, "Do traffic exchanges really work?"

For making money, the secret is they actually don't work (unless you own one of them).

However, if personal branding is your goal, they absolutely do work. While the vast majority of people on traffic exchanges are not there to read a personal blog, I have no doubt TEs were absolutely effective in helping to get the word out about my situation worldwide over the years, at no cost.

If you put something up that is unique, and rotate it on a regular basis, people will take a look out of curiosity. You can put your message in front of thousands of eyeballs every day for free, if you have a little time to invest.

Now to the bad part. These fucking emails the owners send out. Apparently, there is a great deal of ego in the Internet marketing community, and some of these people (not all of them) are professional smart asses. EasyHits4U rarely sends out an email, and that's a good thing. That's one reason why I recommend them. You can rotate your site without having to put up with a bunch of stupid shit.

I have most of those emails going straight to the place they belong: the spam folder.

However, I feel like the service provided by traffic exchanges has been instrumental for me over the years. I'm very thankful for that.

Thanks, TE owners and users. You all deserve a brand new BMW.

Monday, April 25, 2011

New Thing From London Town by Gary Numan

London has been on TV in the United States a lot lately. I have a feeling that trend will continue in the next week or so. Americans seem to really love England. I still have around eight pounds left on my Oyster card I need to use up at some point.

Of course I'll play this one. New Thing From London Town by Gary Numan.

Play loud in your cubicles.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

You don't understand, if rain doesn't start falling soon we could all catch on fire

My goodness, what a day we're having so far. The burn ban is still in effect in Texas because it hasn't rained in something like six months.

This is just our toxic reality right now. No rain, smoke stacks billowing pollutants into the atmosphere, people weeping on the television at the Johnson Space Center. Budget shortfalls, kids drinking margaritas out of sippy cups, and no rain. It's enough to make you feel like jumping off a cliff.

Governor Perry was in one of the fire-stricken communities yesterday helping any way he could. One of his staff members is focusing on the global situation, in case of brush fires in other parts of the world that Texas needs to put out, I suppose. People nearly lost everything as merciless flames turned yards into bonfires. Andy on the news says everything is returning to normal and the schools are finally opening, so that's good.

Fires, plagues, petulance, locusts, the debt ceiling, Dave Ward and no rain. And hernias! How many more days of this can we take? Just getting up in the morning is like a humiliating kick in the teeth. I'm kidding.

The weatherman on TV said that we only have around a 20 percent chance of anything falling from the sky. We've got to keep the small planes away from the big planes or someone is going to get hurt! And they need to put rear-view mirrors on those huge airbus planes.

Other than that, what did you think of the commercial, Mr. President? These prescription medication commercials sure are getting strange. My favorite right now is the one where the green cloud follows depressed people around everywhere they go. I also like the one where Benjamin helped his mother stop smoking those deadly cigarettes.

I have the most amazing Twitter account in the world. See all the pictures of the people I'm following on my Twitter page? I didn't follow any of them. I'm sure they're all wonderful people, but I didn't hit the follow button. My hacker has been able to decipher my password each time I've changed it. They've never tweeted, so I decided to just accept that as the new normal. I also receive occasional emails from my deceased aunt.

We've had the same Netflix movies here for months. Jeff Bridges plays one hell of a drunken redneck, I can tell you that for damn sure. Heartwarming little movie, though, if you haven't seen that one yet.

The grass got mowed here yesterday and it didn't even require prompting from the government. Imagine my excitement when I was finally able to tell the lawn gentlemen that I'd be unlocking the back gate for his entrance with the mighty lawn mower. As much as I like Deer Park, I'd rather be residing somewhere inside the loop right now, but payday has been seriously delayed, apparently.

Y'all are all wondering where I'm planning to settle down once payday finally arrives? I'll decide that, and announce that, after payday.

Are y'all getting up early to watch the Royal wedding? I think I probably will. That's like the happiest story going on in the world right now.

Other than that, all we have to look at on TV is brush fires, the end of the world, toxic fumes getting released into the atmosphere, wars and rumors of wars, drunk toddlers, Todd Foreman's capitol building target practice and weeping people at the Johnson Space Center.

Despite all that, everything seems to be going quite well. This has been a great day so far. I'll keep you posted here on the blog.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Houston doesn't get a retired space shuttle. Wow.

The very first word uttered from the moon was "Houston."

Mission control is in Houston. Many astronauts (probably most of them) call Houston home either now or at some point in the past, including those who died in the shuttle explosions.

Houston is Space City. Oprah has big love for Houston. Houston's sports teams even use space themes in their names and in their marketing.

Maybe that last example wasn't a good one, but if you don't live here, you probably don't realize how surprising today's decision to send all the retired shuttles to different cities was to most Houston residents.

I have to admit, I figured if there were three or four retired shuttles going to different cities, Houston would most likely get one of them for historical reasons.

I guess the thing to consider is that NASA is a federal agency, and Houston already has the Johnson Space Center. Sending the retired shuttles elsewhere allows NASA to share examples of the national space program in other parts of the country. That seems fair.

Houston mayor Annise Parker declared from a podium at city hall recently that "NASA is ours." That's the way many Houstonians feel, but isn't actually correct. Tell all the NASA employees in Florida that the agency belongs to the city of Houston, and they might be inclined to disagree.

Someone apparently thought those retired shuttles belonged not to the city of Houston, but to the American people in general.

The local politicians will undoubtedly come out with statements expressing shock and disbelief. They'll say things like "It is clear" and "It is unfortunate" (both of which are not true) to express their personal frustration that these amazing pieces of local history are going elsewhere on their watch.

However, look on the bright side. As of today, Houston still has the Johnson Space Center, Mission Control and that big rocket on Nasa Road One.

"We have ignition," says the Houston Rockets. They just don't have a space shuttle.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Fahrenheit by Umo Detic

Of course I'll try to play Fahrenheit by Umo Detic. How could I forget to play this one?!

Play to the very end for exciting disco rock explosion!

The human race might have one more chance, but first it would have to survive the alliance, the elements, and the unknown dark and sinister threats that would lie ahead.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Could raising the U.S. debt ceiling possibly cause the end of the world?

Could millions of people all over the world die in a massive barrage of fiery explosions, with blood and sulfur raining from the sky, simply because the United States debt ceiling is raised too high?

Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison of Texas seems to think so, indicating on CNN this past week that "armageddon" may be the result of the United States current financial situation.

Here are her comments and the response from David Plouffe, senior White House advisor, on today's Meet the Press. (click here and forward the video to 6:26. Watch until about 7:50).

I hope to hell they don't let her and that scary Governor Perry get anywhere near each other to plot and plan, or we are all in big trouble. Our skin may literally melt away from our bodies!

Her comments are in line with the politics of this state, unfortunately. I've nicknamed Texas "Thug Nation" because leaders here will seemingly do and say whatever they have to to achieve their political goals. It's like a whole other country. Don't mess with Texas, or you might die.

I'm pretty sure they won't actually blow up planet Earth, but as someone who has been the target of terrorism from state employees and had to endure the cover-up afterwards, I would have preferred the senator used different language, frankly.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

John Boehner was dead serious about cuts, and Army wife can buy formula and diapers now

I'm sorry I didn't post to the blog yesterday. I was incredibly bored with nothing to do here in prison.

I think we can all be happy that there wasn't a government shutdown. John Boehner is dead serious about those cuts, apparently. Now that negotiations are over, I sure hope Sen. Harry Reid got the nap he obviously needed so bad yesterday.

I actually did start to draft a couple blog posts yesterday that I didn't publish. One was entitled, "I'm going to drain a can of tuna today and eat it with saltine crackers." The other I titled, "I would allow Tom Foreman a small dog or cat in prison, but I'm a nice guy."

I didn't publish them because I felt maybe you all wanted a break. I think quality, not quantity, is what we strive for here on the blog, and that's what you'll always get as a faithful reader. I'm not going to feel like I have an obligation to post every day when I know how important your time is...and I'm not getting paid to do this.

My hernia hurt just a little last night, and I had to push extra hard to get the damn thing to go back inside my stomach. Usually it doesn't hurt, but last night it seemed quite sore for some reason. No blood in my stools or urine yet, so I don't think we should worry.

On a different subject, have you noticed I like to blog about politicians? I'm facinated with government, but I don't have political aspirations now. I don't even have an affiliation with a political party.

If you've noticed, I like to speak truth to power as I see it, whether that truth is popular or not. I don't think that works well in American politics. I think that makes someone unelectable.

Anyway, you all have a great day. I'm going to go cook a frozen pizza and celebrate the fact that the Army wife on CNN the last few nights is going to be able to buy diapers and food in May!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

You want to know what I think? I think you people threaten my life and the President's life

This is for the smartass lady anchoring CNN right now that wants to know what I think.

What I think is you people use crafty editing, loud pops at strange times on the set, and outright threats to try to control this situation by fear.

You're not alone at CNN. Other networks and news crews do the same thing.

I've been watching for years, and basically the way you operate is that I or the politicians have to do exactly what you worthless fucks want or you'll threaten to harm us.

You've threatened me, and you've threatened the president. I think you people use fear (although I'm not scared of you worthless pussies) to try to control me or others.

I truly believe that if the choice was between a bunch of you losing your jobs (which you should) and you partnering with terrorists to harm good Americans, you'd choose the latter. There are days I wonder if some of you aren't actually in cahoots with terrorists.

I personally think a simple VCR and about six months worth of video clips from your network could put many of you in jail for years.

However, we have an election coming in 2012 and the politicians need you, so you have nothing to worry about, other than the $500,000,000 it's currently going to take to get me on your set.

Did you really want to know what I think?

President Obama gets a sweet letter from his dad?

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe we shouldn't kill Gadhafi. Maybe we should keep him alive so he can write more entertaining letters to the President of the United States.

By now I'm sure you've all had a chance to read the letter Col. Gadhafi sent to President Obama. Do a Google search if you haven't.

I didn't realize the American president and Gadhafi were so friendly. So warm. Col. Gadhafi even called President Obama his son.

Now I feel dumb for saying Gadhafi's son was dead in a previous post, when we all know President Obama is very much alive and well.

He even called him Baraka, which I guess could be considered a pet name. Last time I heard President Obama referred to as Baraka was in a silly music video (click here now to see).

What is Gadhafi really trying to say? So many misspellings, grammatical errors. CNN.com is reporting that Gadhafi hired an American firm to work on his public image.

I wonder if an American helped to write that letter.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Internet scam report: Trafficdart.com

If you're looking for an exciting way to put around $20 in someone else's Paypal account and get absolutely nothing in return, I highly recommend Trafficdart.com.

Tafficdart.com claims to provide pop-under ads for Web sites.

Before you stop me and ask why I would waste money on bulk traffic anyway, I understand that bulk traffic is very low-quality traffic.

I paid for the service because I am more interested in getting the word out than I am conversions right now, and I wanted to send a quick burst of traffic to ThePrincessBlog.net.

This morning I logged in and was told they had sent more than 2000 visitors to my site. The problem is, these are invisible hits. In other words, not one of them shows up on my hit counter (nor on the logs at my Web host). I sent an email asking about this when I first noticed yesterday, but received no response, of course.

I found Trafficdart.com from a Google Adwords ad. If Google is really interested in eliminating egregious bullshit from their search results, Trafficdart.com would be a great place to start.

Having said all that, if anyone knows of a real, reputable company that provides actual pop-under views that can be seen by real people (and a hit counter), please email me and let me know about them.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

U.S. Marine takes bullet to the head, doesn't really fuck him up much at all

Sgt. Paul Boothroyd III, a signals intelligence operator with 2nd Radio Battalion, USMC, thought his kevlar helmet might be holding his brain together.

His brain turned out to be just fine, despite the Dragunov sniper round that had hit his helmet, went through his neck and lodged behind his right ear.

The round missed his spinal column and it's main arteries by millimeters.

The event occurred last month in a compound south of Sangin, Afghanistan, while attached to the 26th Marine Expeditionary Unit. After surgery at Naval Medical Center in Bethesda, Md., he said he feels like he's taking an "unearned vacation" while he recovers at home in Michigan for 30 days.

Taking a bullet to the head is considered an earned vacation in every organization on Earth except the U.S. Marine Corps.

He hopes to go back to Afghanistan soon for another deployment. Warrior.

It would be a shame if he survived a bullet to the head and then died needlessly of lung cancer. Someone needs to tell him how dangerous those fucking cigarettes are. Tell him we are all grateful for his service and wish him the best.

Here is an excellent place to buy him a Marine Corps t-shirt:
http://USMCPrideOnline.com

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Monday, April 4, 2011

Sinead O'Connor - Mandinka

I'll play this one also -- Sinead O'Connor's Mandinka.

Fantastic song. Play loud in your cubicles. Chat with you later.

Are exploding airplanes fun?

Soon you all will have had the chance to enjoy the new Xfinity commercial, which I had the opportunity to view this morning on CNN.

I didn't know whether to laugh or cringe at the end, when the commercial shows someone watching video of a passenger airplane disintegrating into flames midair, while the lyrics seem to happily describe this as fun and something we'd all like to see.

If we're taking votes, I for one don't want to see a plane blowing up in the air. That doesn't look very fun at all.

Since only days ago a Southwest flight had to make an emergency landing due to a hole ripped in the fuselage, and a bullet hole was found in a U.S. Airways plane, and dead bodies from the 2009 Air France crash are about to be pulled from the wreckage, maybe this jingle and video are a disturbing juxtaposition right now?

Let's try to make better video editing choices and refrain from blowing up airplanes during this process. Thank you.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

My Favorite McDonald's commercial

Here's a clever little McDonald's commercial that used to air frequently in Houston during baseball season (at least, that's when I remember this running).

Look for a possible John cameo in the background.

Friday, April 1, 2011

I wanted to take a moment to apologize for not posting anything yesterday

Yesterday was a rather boring day here in prison, so I took a day off from posting to my blog. I apologize for any inconvenience that caused.

However, the Jerry Eversole post was good enough to last you a couple of days. He's a interesting character, isn't he? Things are done a little differently here in Harris County, if you hadn't figured that out by now. Should be a great time in the courtroom, and I trust the jury will be able to come back with a decision next time around.

I also want to apologize that I won't be making an appearance in town tonight, due to my captivity. That means no Numbers tonight and no college basketball at all this weekend.

For everyone in town for the Final Four, I want to apologize for not being out there to contribute. I'm being held captive for other people's mistakes and payday has been delayed, which will keep me out of Reliant Stadium.

Have y'all been watching ABC 13 News? I have a question for Bob Allen, sports director, to ask that ballheaded guy that manages the Astros:

Will we be able to keep Hunter Pence out of jail all season?

This is actually the best time of year for Texans owner Bob McNair, because it won't be his group of overpaid degenerates that are on TV all the time. The Texans should just keep playing catch at Rice Stadium and get ready for another eight or nine losses next season (if next season even happens).

I love it when one of the Astros or Texans is interviewed and says, "We've got really good chemistry." I guess that means one of them has a meth lab in his house.

I always say, if we can get through another baseball season around here without a small-engine plane crashing into the crowd, we've accomplished something great.

I'll try to post again later this weekend, but if you don't hear from me I'm sitting in a dumpy house in Deer Park with Fritzi all weekend.