Thursday, December 29, 2011

Does your Web site have cobwebs on it? Use Top Tier Traffic every Wednesday

If you want more people to see your Web site or blog, make sure you take advantage of Wednesdays at Top Tier Traffic.

Matthew Graves really has lost his mind this time, but that's a great thing. You and I benefit from that. He placed 500 free credits in my account this morning...again!

Every Wednesday, Top Tier Traffic awards 500 credits to anyone who simply surfs 300 pages. That means 500 people get to see your Web site or blog for free, and all you have to do is surf 300 pages during that 24-hour period. Simple. You also generate lots of free credits while surfing those 300 pages.

I think if you're serious about getting your site's message to the world, you almost have to take advantage of that. Your site is it to some new people!

Here's all you have to do:

1) Sign up for a free account at Top Tier Traffic right now. It takes just a couple minutes.

2) Once you are in the members area, click on the tab labeled "Sites." Enter your site or blog URL, and give it a day or two to get approved.

3) Every Wednesday, surf 300 pages. It's simple, and you can do this while doing other activities on your computer. Simply open an additional tab in your browser.

4) Start watching your hit counter as the fun and excitement rolls in!

Top Tier Traffic's surf 300 and get 500 credits free on Wednesdays is truly a great value you shouldn't pass up if looking for new avenues of Web exposure.

Friday, December 23, 2011

The word I would use to describe new is 'elegant'

Today has launched, and the word I would use to describe the site is 'elegant.'

Yes, 'sleek' and 'attractive' came to mind as well, but 'elegant' perfectly describes how I feel about this latest creation.

Maybe I'm being just a tad silly this morning, but knowing that Air Force personnel and their families around the world, both active and retired, now have one location online to find all the gear and gifts they need makes me feel fantastic.

Whether Air Force personnel are looking for the perfect t-shirt for their wife or grandmother, a coffee mug for dad, or even just 500,000 pairs of combat boots, they have one convenient location online to shop.

If I can ever be of assistance please don't hesitate to email at
info (at)

Thursday, December 22, 2011

If the House doesn't act soon, 16-year-old twins may lose pizza night with dad

The House should end this bickering soon so those 16-year-old twins can continue to have pizza night with their dad.

They're growing up so fast and soon they'll be out of the house, probably chasing boys and leaving dad with an occasional hour when they can fit him into their schedules.

There's already bipartisan agreement in the Senate that this should happen.

What are we waiting for?

Most Americans wouldn't be able to give up $40 a week right now. They are playing silly ass politics three days before Christmas. Probably playing politics with those twins' pizza night. Despicable!

Americans need to send some new people to Washington as soon as they can so we can get shit done every once in a while.

For more information watch video of the president here.

Would you ever consider paying $15 for a dozen eggs?

Can you imagine the look on the cashier's face at the supermarket if you insisted on giving them $15 for a dozen eggs?

Cashier: "Sir (or ma'am), those are eggs, they only cost a couple bucks."

You: "Yes, but I heard these are real tasty eggs. I want to give you $15 for them."

Cashier: "Those are delicious eggs, but they only cost a couple bucks."

You: "Important people pay $15 for their eggs, and I want to pay that much also."

There is obviously no logic in paying many times the actual value for a product. So why do people do this with their Web hosting?

I recently heard that people are paying as much as $25 per month for something that really only costs a fraction of that, with the exact same level of service and dependability. Why? Maybe they think there is some prestige value in throwing money down the commode for over-priced Web hosting.

If you could sit down for a few minutes with today's top online marketers and ask them about the importance of return on investment, they'd undoubtedly agree that every dollar you spend online needs to bring back a return. Money spent wisely online can pay dividends, but only if you are making well-informed decisions that benefit you and your business.

This would certainly apply to someone trying to sell you over-inflated Web hosting services so they can make a big affiliate commission. Does that help you or does that help them?

This is why I proudly recommend, the host of and more than 600,000 other domains. offers unlimited bandwidth, unlimited Web space, unlimited domains, a 99.9 percent uptime guarantee and live support available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. All for only $1 per month!

Does that sound like a great deal? Well, if it doesn't, I have a gallon of milk here I'd like to sell you for thirty bucks!

Sign up today at, and use the money you save to further promote your Web business. That's the type of smart decision-making that will get you to the top, no matter what type of business you're promoting online.

Monday, December 19, 2011

My podcasts going online for free, and now launched

My podcasts at will now go online for free, which really is the appropriate cost of a podcast. If you have a desire to hear any of the others that aren't currently posted free, check back from time to time or keep an eye on my Twitter page. I should have the remainder uploaded and ready in the next couple weeks.

Also, I have now launched to supplement both and I will add an Air Force site at some point soon, and then I'll have everyone covered. Do I really need a Coast Guard Web site at this point? I think that one can wait. Thanks to each of you that has shopped at those sites over the years. I really do appreciate the business.

The sites were always seen by me as part-time endeavors or creative outlets (although I would never rule out the possibility of earning a full-time income online eventually). Lots of people are doing just that.

However, I've started applying for jobs in the Houston area again. I'll keep you posted here as to the direction my career takes, but sitting here waiting for whatever I was waiting for is not only a waste of time, it's incredibly frustrating and at times demoralizing.

I'll keep you posted. Thanks as always for keeping up with my blog!

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

This dude is always farting and always trippin'

On a scale of one to 10 in funniness, this is about a 1,276,598,635,670,524.

You must watch this.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Flawless $1 Web site hosting available to you 365 days a year

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Have a great day.

Friday, November 25, 2011 offering 50 percent off all hosting packages today only

I received an email yesterday about a fantastic offer that I thought I'd pass on to my readers. HostGator, a leading Web host company currently home to more than five million domains around the globe, is again offering its highly successful Black Friday discounts. Today only, is offering 50 percent off all new hosting packages.

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Friday, October 28, 2011

By next week we enter a new phase in my 'wait'; I run out of food

During these years that I've waited for people to either get their shit together or start doing what's right, one thing has consistently been the case: My basic needs have always been met.

Sure, I might have found it necessary to use someone else's toothpaste or deodorant occasionally, but I've always had something to eat when I needed that.

Today, I will put another two cups of water on the stove to boil my last package of ramen noodles, and I'll soak my last pound of beans overnight. I'm more concerned about these dogs than I am myself. They probably have enough food to last until the middle of next week.

This process has changed me in ways I never could have imagined just a few years ago. If you've followed my blog for many years, you've undoubtedly noticed some of those changes. This shook me to the core and challenged everything I believed about human nature, standing on principle, doing what's right even when it's extremely difficult, and even faith itself.

I'm not the same person I was five or six years ago. In some ways that's very good, and in some ways it may take some time for me to get used to what this has done to me. I'm happy that I broke free of some of my long-held mindsets, while at the same time I've become increasingly cynical and skeptical of other people in general. I've never been like that in the years past, and that is a change in me I don't particularly like.

After years upon years of "Good things come to those that wait" and "Don't worry, brother, the Lord is fighting your battles for you", I've finally reached that critical point where I realize that most people (at least in regards to my situation) have either been ill-informed, full of shit, or simply lying.

Someone once said, "When hard times come, you can either get bitter, or you can get better."

I certainly hope I'm getting better, because I'm fucking pissed off.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Did you enjoy the debate? Here's another track for the eClub

My favorite part of last night's debate was when Rick Perry called Herman Cain his brother. That made me think of this song. Here's another track for the eClub.

And Mitt out...your name is apparently on that list! ;)

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

I'm wearing my own deodorant today, and my thoughts on the presidential race

I haven't posted here for a while, so I thought I'd take a moment to type some thoughts out on the keyboard.

First, Princess, you are awesome! I look forward to spending time with you. How soon? Hopefully soon, baby. I wish I knew for sure.

Thank you for your military T-shirt purchases -- I want to thank my customers at and Recently I've been wearing my own deodorant and brushing my teeth with my very own toothpaste for the first time in many months, and those goodies were funded completely by the sale of T-shirts and other gear! Thank you very much, and don't forget that you can purchase any type of clothing product using the search box on those pages, and Cafe Press forwards the commissions to me. I appreciate you greatly.

Additionally, I am now an affiliate of, so if you plan to travel in the future please use that link to see if they can save you some money.

I'm finally on Facebook -- I've joined the rest of the civilized world and created a Facebook account. I will use the site more often in the future, but for now I've authorized Twitter to post my tweets on my FB page. That will be the way I post most of my FB status updates in the future. I see the incredible potential of FB for marketing and branding possibilities, but it seems like using FB in tandem with Twitter is a better way to reach a wider audience.

Again, I'll tweet and post to FB more often in the future.

I will approve all Facebook friend requests and follow back everyone on Twitter within 24 hours, so please feel free to follow me if you are building your network.

Who do you want to be your president? -- In response, you really should ask this question: "What kind of country do I want to live in?"

Have you been watching these folks that want President Obama's job? Herman Cain is my favorite of the bunch, although I'm not sure he could beat President Obama in a general election. I can't say if an electric fence at the border would go over too well, but a $9.99 supreme pizza at Godfather's Pizza definitely would. I'm a little frustrated with him because they closed the Godfather's on Center Street in Deer Park, Texas. That really is good pizza.

I'm not an economist, but if this 999 plan is at all plausible, I hope to hear more from him on the campaign trail.

I just don't know what to think about Gov. Perry. He's been governor of Texas practically the entire time I've been sitting around waiting for justice. Doesn't the University of Texas System report directly to him?

He says the rest of America should be like Texas. I'm not so sure of that.

Texas is, in fact, a great state, but the politicians here are weird. Perry once said, "Dead, fall dead," in a spooky voice to a group of reporters. He claps loudly when the president walks down the stairway from his plane (I'm not saying the two things are related, they're just strange). He's the only Austin resident in years to kill an animal with a handgun. Recently on the campaign trail, he stood in front of a huge photo of the White House and made a loud clap noise with his hands, then gazed into the camera with a look on his face like he's nuts. He might be nuts.

If all that wasn't enough, he recently released this incredible work of art the day the President of the United States landed in Dallas.

Perry said Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke would be treated pretty ugly down in Texas if the feds printed more money during the recession. The problem is, I know (and Perry knows) what it means to treat someone pretty ugly down in Texas. Getting treated pretty ugly in Texas is some scary shit.

As governor, he often raised hell that Washington wasn't doing more to help secure the border to keep all the deadly Mexican drug gangs out. Then, he gives a State of the State speech in which he appears to be grinning when he says that deadly Mexican drug gangs are here in Texas.

These are just some examples that immediately come to mind. I don't know what the hell is going on with Rick Perry, but I do know I'm not ready for him to be the most powerful man in the world. He needs to fix the messed up situation in Texas before he asks for more responsibility, in my opinion. Then, as long as the Secret Service thinks he's funny, maybe he can be president someday.

During a previous debate, I saw Michelle Bachmann and Newt Gingrich secretly handing each other something below the waist as they cut to a commercial break. Now I think they might be on drugs.

Mitt Romney is most likely going to run against the president (and he thinks Jesus came from a planet named Kolob). It will be interesting watching these people jockeying for position in the coming months.

Are you ready to roll your eyes? Get ready for a Chasm Talker convention tonight as the GOP folks debate on CNN. Let's watch to see which one of them says the goofiest shit.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Are you ready to unleash the demonic spirit of your Houston Turds?

These guys are soft. Degenerates. Probably full of steroids (but they'll only test positive because they work out so hard), most likely doing more blow than John Belushi. If they run out, don't worry, they've got good chemistry.

I'd love to put on pads and pop those fucking douche bags in the mouth, but I'll just have to count on the New York Jets to take care of that for me tonight.

During a nationally televised event on ESPN this evening, tens of thousands of unsuspecting Houstonians in Reliant Stadium will cheer and scream for a bunch of overpaid turds, while school teachers and firemen are being laid off in record numbers, and good people everywhere are struggling to build a better life.

Can you imagine if one of your children walked up to you one day and said, "When I grow up I want to be just like the Houston Turds"? Talk about the most depressing day of your life.

At the end of the day, every shaman and witch in the Houston area couldn't unleash enough demonic spiritual power to hide the fact that this is simply an average group of football players embarking on another opportunity to embarrass a city.

The real story will actually be happening on the sidelines tonight. The real story is Wade Phillips, the respected son of Houston hero Bum Phillips, who was tricked into signing a contract with this group of shitheads before he understood what he was getting himself into.

Congratulations America, these are your Houston Turds.

I have decided to handle this football season a certain way. Each week, I have a new favorite team. This week, I'm a Jets fan. The 49ers and Saints will get my support soon. If you're a visiting team, don't think of your time playing against the Turds as simply a ball game. This is much more important that that. You're flushing a toilet.

Of course, I'm ready for some football.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

The Houston Astros: An organization of pussies and pieces of shit

From top to bottom, the place is in shambles. The worst organization in professional sports, without question.

They like to fuck with me, don't they? They can dish it out, but can they take it? That's what we're about to find out.

J.D., the guy who sits there talking shit every fucking game on TV, needs a fucking fist in his mouth. I volunteer mine. Volunteering is great!

Wandy, the pussy, could use the same.

That bald-headed piece of shit that manages them. He's full of shit. Consistently.

Hunter Pence. I wouldn't even hook you up with a fucking stripper, asshole. You ain't fucking any girlfriend of mine. You think you did, or you're gonna? That ain't my fucking girlfriend, shithead. Go pick up some hotcakes from mamma and shut the fuck up.

You think I'm going to work there? I can promise you something. The day I start work in an organization like that a flatbed truck with cardboard boxes is showing up right after I do my first morning. And they'll get used.

You don't like this post? Fuck you, dickhead.

The problem is, these overpaid morons have been led to believe they're special. They are one bad decision away from coaching junior high gym class, and someone as braindead as Ed Wade happened to think they had a clever name or something. That's the only excuse for why some of you ever wore the uniform of a professional ballclub.

Nothing will give you a renewed appreciation for school teachers and firemen quicker than watching nine innings of Astros baseball (and that abomination of a post-game show). What the fuck was Jim Crane thinking to spend that much money on a sinking ship?

I want to believe Drayton is an exception to all this, but a wise man once told me, "John, unfortunately a fish rots from the head down."

Go fuck yourselves. And if you have any problems with anything I've said here, just name the place and the time. You better have a buddy there to help pick your teeth up off the concrete, because I don't really like you people much and I'm tired of your bullshit. I've bit my tongue long enough.

I'll be back out there at Minute Maid Park eventually, wearing Dodger blue again, arm-in-arm with my gorgeous Princess (which none of you morons are going to fuck...she'll have standards).

And don't worry, football season comes soon enough around here. I'm sure I'll have thoughts at that time as well.

Best of luck everybody.

Added later: I should have mentioned: Bud Norris...what a fucking douche bag.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

New Princess Podcast: Who Are The Mysterious Airplane Men?

A new Princess Podcast is available for free right now! I've placed it on YouTube in four parts.

Who Are The Mysterious Airplane Men? - I go into depth about the mysterious airplane men on my flight from Houston to Charlotte. I also give an update on several helicopters now seen flying in formation over the house. You'll learn the truth about my alleged gambling problem and my current need for baking soda and deodorant.

Part I

Part II

Part III

Part IV

Monday, June 6, 2011

Big Supreme - Don't Walk (Extended Version)

This is a fantastic song. There was a time when I heard the vinyl 12" single of this track was selling for up to $200 dollars at Houston record stores.

Play loud in your cubicle. Of course I'll play this one.

Monday, May 30, 2011

D'Bop by Dirty Harry

This guy is quick to tell you that he invented the D'Bop sound. I don't know what that means, but I do know this is a fantastic song on the dancefloor.

Play this loud in your cubicle. Of course I'll play this one.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Welcome to Paradise by Front 242

You knew I would add this one to the list eventually, and since we all apparently missed the Rapture this weekend, today's the day.

Welcome to Paradise by Front 242. Of course I'll play this one.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Looking from a Hilltop by Section 25

I don't think it would be possible to highlight the songs that made this period unique without playing this one as well.

This song makes you feel like you're flying on a spaceship, not that I've ever flown on one. But I imagine that's what this song makes you feel like. Incidentally, I saw a spaceship fly on the television set today.

Your boss probably wants you to play this loud in your cubicle. Press play now.

Looking from a Hilltop by Section 25. Of course I'll play this.

Monday, May 9, 2011

World in My Eyes by Depeche Mode

There are several Depeche Mode songs that I might classify as essentials from the period of Houston club history I'm currently highlighting on this blog. Songs like "Just Can't Get Enough" or "Stripped" or maybe even "Strangelove".

However, this track is my very favorite DM song from those days.

World in My Eyes by Depeche Mode. Of course I'll play this.

Monday, May 2, 2011

America by Bigod 20

Don't kid yourself, this is a big day in the world.

Congrats to the president and our military on the death of the mass- murderering maggot.

Sure, I'll play this one. Seems very appropriate today.

America by Bigod 20. Play this loud in your cubicle.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

What a weekend we've had so far

What a weekend we've had so far. I got up around 3:45 a.m. on Friday and watched Royal wedding coverage.

He's so lucky, his wife is fantastic! And he's the future King of England, which probably isn't a bad job.

Was I impressed with the wedding? I don't think I could have been more impressed. Excellent in every way. This would have been a great time to be in England, and I imagine this will provide a increase to UK tourism for some time.

In fact, I think the wedding may have been the best worldwide image boost in the country's history. I loved the image of them driving away in that car after the wedding, waving at everybody. Have you noticed how the Royal family always waves at people?

In the horse-drawn carriage, lip readers claim William said to Kate, "You have to wave back, even if it's too much for you."

In times like this I have to admit there is something very elegant about all the pomp and pageantry of that form of government. England should be proud of itself for a job extremely well done. And congratulations to the bride and groom.

I was going to watch the shuttle launch Friday as well but the heaters were broken.

I've been hanging out in a house with an AC unit that's been broken for about a month. It's 11:30 p.m. as I write this, and it's still about 85 degrees indoors. Summer isn't even here yet!

I promise not to bitch and moan on this blog day after day about the temperature, but I'm going to feel like doing just that. Hopefully payday is coming soon so I can find my own place with a functioning air conditioner.

Have you heard a rumor that I've come into some money? My sweet Aunt Gene was deliberately kicking a box of Humble Oil stock (Exxon) on the floor in her closet one day when she asked me to get something for her, like she was trying to draw my attention to it. This was several years ago. She passed away recently.

Sometimes things are right underneath our feet, and we just need to change the way we're thinking about them. If there's any truth to this rumor a phone call from someone would be greatly appreciated.

Have you ever wondered what you would do if you came into a lot of money overnight, like winning the lottery or getting a huge cash settlement? What would be the first thing you'd buy? The first thing I'd buy is deodorant. And then a box of Prilosec OTC. A big box, not the 14 pack.

After hernia surgery, maybe a nice trip to some exotic location with my Princess. They say money can't buy happiness, but I actually think it can.

I've priced the Princess Podcasts extremely low so everyone can enjoy them. All it costs is 99 pennies transferred from your Paypal account, and anyone can afford that.

Remember, payments are processed through Paypal, the most trusted worldwide online payment processor. Completely secure, so you can listen today without worry. Go ahead and download one, and I think you'll enjoy some of the crazy shit I say. Crazy but true.

Thanks for reading, as always. Remember, I can send you an email each time I post something new, if that is more convenient for you. Simply enter your email address in the "Follow by email" form on the right-hand side of this blog.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Lance Berkman forced to return to an uncomfortable situation this week

This is a tough week for Lance Berkman, former Astro and current member of the St. Louis Cardinals, as he returns to play again in Minute Maid Park.

If you remember, when he originally left Houston for the Yankees, he talked about how coming back to the Astros someday to end his career would be great.

However, last night on Fox 26 News, he seemed reluctant to even come back for this week's series. He even stated that playing in Minute Maid Park was an experience he just wanted to get over with.

There are things he could do while he's in town to make the experience more enjoyable. Why not try to get Alyson Footer to set up a threesome with a gospel rock band, or see if you can get some of the guys together for an orgy with some go-go dancers? How about some pancakes with Hunter Pence?

On second thought, don't do any of that, Lance. Your wife simply doesn't deserve that, and frankly, Jesus would be disappointed with you.

Who's going to win the ballgames? It's hard to say. J.D., play-by-play announcer, says these Astros have great speed.

Just check out the post-game interview with the Astros player after the Milwaukee game Saturday night. I haven't laughed that hard at an interview with a professional athlete since the halftime debacle with Lawrence Taylor years ago after he got out of jail for buying crack.

Lance Berkman is a man of principle. A man of honor. The fans in Houston will most likely give him a standing ovation this week, and rightly so. He has a lot to be proud of, and he's contributed much to the Houston community. I'm happy he's having such a good season, and I think most people in Houston would say the same.

The fact is, no matter how many wins or losses the Houston Astros rack up this season, the unspoken truth is that this team has been marred by problems both on and off the field.

Lance Berkman's return is a reminder of better times and the good memories we had as Astros fans years ago before bad ballplayers and bad front-office bullshit fucked up a great thing.

I wouldn't give a shit about any of this if they had made the decision to stay the fuck out of my personal life over the years.

I wish Lance continued success with the Cardinals. I won't be at Minute Maid Park tonight, but I'll stand here and clap with the Houston fans if he is honored.

Traffic exchanges are fantastic except for the emails you have to receive

I owe a great deal of gratitude to the traffic exchange industry.

For many years, I would sit for hours on end and click those damn things, rotating my blog.

If you don't know what a traffic exchange is, here is a link to one of the best. An explanation of how they function is on that page.

People often wonder, "Do traffic exchanges really work?"

For making money, the secret is they actually don't work (unless you own one of them).

However, if personal branding is your goal, they absolutely do work. While the vast majority of people on traffic exchanges are not there to read a personal blog, I have no doubt TEs were absolutely effective in helping to get the word out about my situation worldwide over the years, at no cost.

If you put something up that is unique, and rotate it on a regular basis, people will take a look out of curiosity. You can put your message in front of thousands of eyeballs every day for free, if you have a little time to invest.

Now to the bad part. These fucking emails the owners send out. Apparently, there is a great deal of ego in the Internet marketing community, and some of these people (not all of them) are professional smart asses. EasyHits4U rarely sends out an email, and that's a good thing. That's one reason why I recommend them. You can rotate your site without having to put up with a bunch of stupid shit.

I have most of those emails going straight to the place they belong: the spam folder.

However, I feel like the service provided by traffic exchanges has been instrumental for me over the years. I'm very thankful for that.

Thanks, TE owners and users. You all deserve a brand new BMW.

Monday, April 25, 2011

New Thing From London Town by Gary Numan

London has been on TV in the United States a lot lately. I have a feeling that trend will continue in the next week or so. Americans seem to really love England. I still have around eight pounds left on my Oyster card I need to use up at some point.

Of course I'll play this one. New Thing From London Town by Gary Numan.

Play loud in your cubicles.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

You don't understand, if rain doesn't start falling soon we could all catch on fire

My goodness, what a day we're having so far. The burn ban is still in effect in Texas because it hasn't rained in something like six months.

This is just our toxic reality right now. No rain, smoke stacks billowing pollutants into the atmosphere, people weeping on the television at the Johnson Space Center. Budget shortfalls, kids drinking margaritas out of sippy cups, and no rain. It's enough to make you feel like jumping off a cliff.

Governor Perry was in one of the fire-stricken communities yesterday helping any way he could. One of his staff members is focusing on the global situation, in case of brush fires in other parts of the world that Texas needs to put out, I suppose. People nearly lost everything as merciless flames turned yards into bonfires. Andy on the news says everything is returning to normal and the schools are finally opening, so that's good.

Fires, plagues, petulance, locusts, the debt ceiling, Dave Ward and no rain. And hernias! How many more days of this can we take? Just getting up in the morning is like a humiliating kick in the teeth. I'm kidding.

The weatherman on TV said that we only have around a 20 percent chance of anything falling from the sky. We've got to keep the small planes away from the big planes or someone is going to get hurt! And they need to put rear-view mirrors on those huge airbus planes.

Other than that, what did you think of the commercial, Mr. President? These prescription medication commercials sure are getting strange. My favorite right now is the one where the green cloud follows depressed people around everywhere they go. I also like the one where Benjamin helped his mother stop smoking those deadly cigarettes.

I have the most amazing Twitter account in the world. See all the pictures of the people I'm following on my Twitter page? I didn't follow any of them. I'm sure they're all wonderful people, but I didn't hit the follow button. My hacker has been able to decipher my password each time I've changed it. They've never tweeted, so I decided to just accept that as the new normal. I also receive occasional emails from my deceased aunt.

We've had the same Netflix movies here for months. Jeff Bridges plays one hell of a drunken redneck, I can tell you that for damn sure. Heartwarming little movie, though, if you haven't seen that one yet.

The grass got mowed here yesterday and it didn't even require prompting from the government. Imagine my excitement when I was finally able to tell the lawn gentlemen that I'd be unlocking the back gate for his entrance with the mighty lawn mower. As much as I like Deer Park, I'd rather be residing somewhere inside the loop right now, but payday has been seriously delayed, apparently.

Y'all are all wondering where I'm planning to settle down once payday finally arrives? I'll decide that, and announce that, after payday.

Are y'all getting up early to watch the Royal wedding? I think I probably will. That's like the happiest story going on in the world right now.

Other than that, all we have to look at on TV is brush fires, the end of the world, toxic fumes getting released into the atmosphere, wars and rumors of wars, drunk toddlers, Todd Foreman's capitol building target practice and weeping people at the Johnson Space Center.

Despite all that, everything seems to be going quite well. This has been a great day so far. I'll keep you posted here on the blog.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Houston doesn't get a retired space shuttle. Wow.

The very first word uttered from the moon was "Houston."

Mission control is in Houston. Many astronauts (probably most of them) call Houston home either now or at some point in the past, including those who died in the shuttle explosions.

Houston is Space City. Oprah has big love for Houston. Houston's sports teams even use space themes in their names and in their marketing.

Maybe that last example wasn't a good one, but if you don't live here, you probably don't realize how surprising today's decision to send all the retired shuttles to different cities was to most Houston residents.

I have to admit, I figured if there were three or four retired shuttles going to different cities, Houston would most likely get one of them for historical reasons.

I guess the thing to consider is that NASA is a federal agency, and Houston already has the Johnson Space Center. Sending the retired shuttles elsewhere allows NASA to share examples of the national space program in other parts of the country. That seems fair.

Houston mayor Annise Parker declared from a podium at city hall recently that "NASA is ours." That's the way many Houstonians feel, but isn't actually correct. Tell all the NASA employees in Florida that the agency belongs to the city of Houston, and they might be inclined to disagree.

Someone apparently thought those retired shuttles belonged not to the city of Houston, but to the American people in general.

The local politicians will undoubtedly come out with statements expressing shock and disbelief. They'll say things like "It is clear" and "It is unfortunate" (both of which are not true) to express their personal frustration that these amazing pieces of local history are going elsewhere on their watch.

However, look on the bright side. As of today, Houston still has the Johnson Space Center, Mission Control and that big rocket on Nasa Road One.

"We have ignition," says the Houston Rockets. They just don't have a space shuttle.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Fahrenheit by Umo Detic

Of course I'll try to play Fahrenheit by Umo Detic. How could I forget to play this one?!

Play to the very end for exciting disco rock explosion!

The human race might have one more chance, but first it would have to survive the alliance, the elements, and the unknown dark and sinister threats that would lie ahead.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Could raising the U.S. debt ceiling possibly cause the end of the world?

Could millions of people all over the world die in a massive barrage of fiery explosions, with blood and sulfur raining from the sky, simply because the United States debt ceiling is raised too high?

Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison of Texas seems to think so, indicating on CNN this past week that "armageddon" may be the result of the United States current financial situation.

Here are her comments and the response from David Plouffe, senior White House advisor, on today's Meet the Press. (click here and forward the video to 6:26. Watch until about 7:50).

I hope to hell they don't let her and that scary Governor Perry get anywhere near each other to plot and plan, or we are all in big trouble. Our skin may literally melt away from our bodies!

Her comments are in line with the politics of this state, unfortunately. I've nicknamed Texas "Thug Nation" because leaders here will seemingly do and say whatever they have to to achieve their political goals. It's like a whole other country. Don't mess with Texas, or you might die.

I'm pretty sure they won't actually blow up planet Earth, but as someone who has been the target of terrorism from state employees and had to endure the cover-up afterwards, I would have preferred the senator used different language, frankly.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

John Boehner was dead serious about cuts, and Army wife can buy formula and diapers now

I'm sorry I didn't post to the blog yesterday. I was incredibly bored with nothing to do here in prison.

I think we can all be happy that there wasn't a government shutdown. John Boehner is dead serious about those cuts, apparently. Now that negotiations are over, I sure hope Sen. Harry Reid got the nap he obviously needed so bad yesterday.

I actually did start to draft a couple blog posts yesterday that I didn't publish. One was entitled, "I'm going to drain a can of tuna today and eat it with saltine crackers." The other I titled, "I would allow Tom Foreman a small dog or cat in prison, but I'm a nice guy."

I didn't publish them because I felt maybe you all wanted a break. I think quality, not quantity, is what we strive for here on the blog, and that's what you'll always get as a faithful reader. I'm not going to feel like I have an obligation to post every day when I know how important your time is...and I'm not getting paid to do this.

My hernia hurt just a little last night, and I had to push extra hard to get the damn thing to go back inside my stomach. Usually it doesn't hurt, but last night it seemed quite sore for some reason. No blood in my stools or urine yet, so I don't think we should worry.

On a different subject, have you noticed I like to blog about politicians? I'm facinated with government, but I don't have political aspirations now. I don't even have an affiliation with a political party.

If you've noticed, I like to speak truth to power as I see it, whether that truth is popular or not. I don't think that works well in American politics. I think that makes someone unelectable.

Anyway, you all have a great day. I'm going to go cook a frozen pizza and celebrate the fact that the Army wife on CNN the last few nights is going to be able to buy diapers and food in May!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

You want to know what I think? I think you people threaten my life and the President's life

This is for the smartass lady anchoring CNN right now that wants to know what I think.

What I think is you people use crafty editing, loud pops at strange times on the set, and outright threats to try to control this situation by fear.

You're not alone at CNN. Other networks and news crews do the same thing.

I've been watching for years, and basically the way you operate is that I or the politicians have to do exactly what you worthless fucks want or you'll threaten to harm us.

You've threatened me, and you've threatened the president. I think you people use fear (although I'm not scared of you worthless pussies) to try to control me or others.

I truly believe that if the choice was between a bunch of you losing your jobs (which you should) and you partnering with terrorists to harm good Americans, you'd choose the latter. There are days I wonder if some of you aren't actually in cahoots with terrorists.

I personally think a simple VCR and about six months worth of video clips from your network could put many of you in jail for years.

However, we have an election coming in 2012 and the politicians need you, so you have nothing to worry about, other than the $500,000,000 it's currently going to take to get me on your set.

Did you really want to know what I think?

President Obama gets a sweet letter from his dad?

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe we shouldn't kill Gadhafi. Maybe we should keep him alive so he can write more entertaining letters to the President of the United States.

By now I'm sure you've all had a chance to read the letter Col. Gadhafi sent to President Obama. Do a Google search if you haven't.

I didn't realize the American president and Gadhafi were so friendly. So warm. Col. Gadhafi even called President Obama his son.

Now I feel dumb for saying Gadhafi's son was dead in a previous post, when we all know President Obama is very much alive and well.

He even called him Baraka, which I guess could be considered a pet name. Last time I heard President Obama referred to as Baraka was in a silly music video (click here now to see).

What is Gadhafi really trying to say? So many misspellings, grammatical errors. is reporting that Gadhafi hired an American firm to work on his public image.

I wonder if an American helped to write that letter.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Internet scam report:

If you're looking for an exciting way to put around $20 in someone else's Paypal account and get absolutely nothing in return, I highly recommend claims to provide pop-under ads for Web sites.

Before you stop me and ask why I would waste money on bulk traffic anyway, I understand that bulk traffic is very low-quality traffic.

I paid for the service because I am more interested in getting the word out than I am conversions right now, and I wanted to send a quick burst of traffic to

This morning I logged in and was told they had sent more than 2000 visitors to my site. The problem is, these are invisible hits. In other words, not one of them shows up on my hit counter (nor on the logs at my Web host). I sent an email asking about this when I first noticed yesterday, but received no response, of course.

I found from a Google Adwords ad. If Google is really interested in eliminating egregious bullshit from their search results, would be a great place to start.

Having said all that, if anyone knows of a real, reputable company that provides actual pop-under views that can be seen by real people (and a hit counter), please email me and let me know about them.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

U.S. Marine takes bullet to the head, doesn't really fuck him up much at all

Sgt. Paul Boothroyd III, a signals intelligence operator with 2nd Radio Battalion, USMC, thought his kevlar helmet might be holding his brain together.

His brain turned out to be just fine, despite the Dragunov sniper round that had hit his helmet, went through his neck and lodged behind his right ear.

The round missed his spinal column and it's main arteries by millimeters.

The event occurred last month in a compound south of Sangin, Afghanistan, while attached to the 26th Marine Expeditionary Unit. After surgery at Naval Medical Center in Bethesda, Md., he said he feels like he's taking an "unearned vacation" while he recovers at home in Michigan for 30 days.

Taking a bullet to the head is considered an earned vacation in every organization on Earth except the U.S. Marine Corps.

He hopes to go back to Afghanistan soon for another deployment. Warrior.

It would be a shame if he survived a bullet to the head and then died needlessly of lung cancer. Someone needs to tell him how dangerous those fucking cigarettes are. Tell him we are all grateful for his service and wish him the best.

Here is an excellent place to buy him a Marine Corps t-shirt:

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Monday, April 4, 2011

Sinead O'Connor - Mandinka

I'll play this one also -- Sinead O'Connor's Mandinka.

Fantastic song. Play loud in your cubicles. Chat with you later.

Are exploding airplanes fun?

Soon you all will have had the chance to enjoy the new Xfinity commercial, which I had the opportunity to view this morning on CNN.

I didn't know whether to laugh or cringe at the end, when the commercial shows someone watching video of a passenger airplane disintegrating into flames midair, while the lyrics seem to happily describe this as fun and something we'd all like to see.

If we're taking votes, I for one don't want to see a plane blowing up in the air. That doesn't look very fun at all.

Since only days ago a Southwest flight had to make an emergency landing due to a hole ripped in the fuselage, and a bullet hole was found in a U.S. Airways plane, and dead bodies from the 2009 Air France crash are about to be pulled from the wreckage, maybe this jingle and video are a disturbing juxtaposition right now?

Let's try to make better video editing choices and refrain from blowing up airplanes during this process. Thank you.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

My Favorite McDonald's commercial

Here's a clever little McDonald's commercial that used to air frequently in Houston during baseball season (at least, that's when I remember this running).

Look for a possible John cameo in the background.

Friday, April 1, 2011

I wanted to take a moment to apologize for not posting anything yesterday

Yesterday was a rather boring day here in prison, so I took a day off from posting to my blog. I apologize for any inconvenience that caused.

However, the Jerry Eversole post was good enough to last you a couple of days. He's a interesting character, isn't he? Things are done a little differently here in Harris County, if you hadn't figured that out by now. Should be a great time in the courtroom, and I trust the jury will be able to come back with a decision next time around.

I also want to apologize that I won't be making an appearance in town tonight, due to my captivity. That means no Numbers tonight and no college basketball at all this weekend.

For everyone in town for the Final Four, I want to apologize for not being out there to contribute. I'm being held captive for other people's mistakes and payday has been delayed, which will keep me out of Reliant Stadium.

Have y'all been watching ABC 13 News? I have a question for Bob Allen, sports director, to ask that ballheaded guy that manages the Astros:

Will we be able to keep Hunter Pence out of jail all season?

This is actually the best time of year for Texans owner Bob McNair, because it won't be his group of overpaid degenerates that are on TV all the time. The Texans should just keep playing catch at Rice Stadium and get ready for another eight or nine losses next season (if next season even happens).

I love it when one of the Astros or Texans is interviewed and says, "We've got really good chemistry." I guess that means one of them has a meth lab in his house.

I always say, if we can get through another baseball season around here without a small-engine plane crashing into the crowd, we've accomplished something great.

I'll try to post again later this weekend, but if you don't hear from me I'm sitting in a dumpy house in Deer Park with Fritzi all weekend.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

This Jerry Eversole case is more exciting than an episode of Law and Order!

If you're reading the blog outside of Houston, you may not be aware that we've got an absolutely spellbinding criminal case going here right now.

Jerry Eversole, a Harris County commissioner, is accused of bribery for $100,000 in gifts he received over several years from a local businessman that received county contracts.

The first trial ended in a mistrial today (jury deadlocked), but a new trial will start soon.

The government says the long list of monetary benefits (dinners, gifts, trips, yard work at his home, etc.) was really a way to obtain votes for county contracts, and not simply friendly gestures as Eversole contends.

I'm not making a judgment one way or another about his guilt or innocence on the blog, since I'm not in the courtroom to hear all the evidence (I wish I was). However, some of the gifts (like more than $10,000 in landscaping at his home), seem to be a little difficult to explain away. How many of your friends have ever spent thousands of dollars on your home?

They must be really good friends.

One of the other things I love to watch is Eversole going into the court each day. Ted Oberg, reporter with ABC 13, approaches him with a microphone as he walks in.

Eversole says he's like that guy in baseball with two outs and two men on in the ninth inning, while appearing to point at his crotch. Maybe he wasn't pointing at his crotch, but that's what it looked like. He feels great!

Rusty Hardin, or as I like to call him, Mr. Smiley, is always so happy and confident. Hardin is Eversole's defense attorney. I like Rusty Hardin.

"It's hard to convict a guy who's not guilty," says Hardin, grinning ear to ear.

I wonder how many of Rusty's friends have ever spent $10,000 on his home. I wonder how many of Rusty's friends homes he'd be willing to spend $10,000 on, for no other reason except he likes them so much.

You can see where the major problem would be for me, if I was a juror. I don't know how you explain that away, but apparently Eversole's explanation worked for at least some of the jurors.

I just checked the mail, and there is no jury summons, so I'll just have to count on Ted's reporting for every exciting development in the case.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

We should have taken Gadhafi out as soon as he started killing his own people

I actually do think the president did a good job last night. I agree with his main points regarding the conflict, but especially agree that we shouldn't commit any ground troops to this effort.

If we get involved militarily every time a group of people in that part of the world decides they don't like their leader, we'll never take care of the important issues here in America.

I especially found what he said interesting because I'm currently reading "Diplomacy" by Henry Kissinger. The book looks at America's foreign policy and how we have seen our role in the world during different presidencies. The moral obligation argument he made seems very consistent and makes a lot of sense.

We're going to assist the rebels in their fight, which is already costing lives as this thing play out. Gadhafi threatened to kill his own people, and he actually has in some instances. He said he'd go door to door if he had to. That can't be tolerated anywhere in the world.

Here's the question I would have asked:

If we felt so strongly about condemning and stopping that, why wasn't using intelligence to locate Gadhafi and turning him and wherever he's hanging out into rubble the quickest and less costly way to make our point, save lives and end this conflict?

Monday, March 28, 2011

Nitzer Ebb - Hearts And Minds (Mix Hypersonic)

Today is music Monday on Twitter and here on the blog. Here's something for you to listen to real loud in your cubicles and newsrooms.

This is one of my all-time favorite songs, and something I promise to try to work in if I ever do a guest DJ gig in your area.

This 12-inch version of Nitzer Ebb's "Hearts and Minds" is incredible (as you'll soon hear for yourself), but pick up the entire CD "Belief" if you're looking for a great electronic dance record.

Anyway, y'all carry on, and I'll chat with you again soon right here.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

I didn't mention the lump in my groin because I didn't want you to worry

Roughly a year or two ago, I noticed an occasional dull ache in my abdomen. Shortly thereafter, a small lump began appearing in my groin area (about an inch or so above my privates, on the right side). The lump got slightly bigger.

Now, when I stand up there is often a lump that looks like a walnut or golf ball is under the skin. I can push on it and it disappears, or I can lay flat and it retreats into my body.

I have self-diagnosed this as an inguinal hernia, using a old health care encyclopedia I found buried in the closet. There are no other symptoms, and other than that I feel great health-wise.

The encyclopedia perfectly describes what I've encountered, and a diagram shows exactly what this thing looks like. An operation to repair this type of hernia is described by the book as "simple and safe," so I've chosen not to worry.

If my ball sac fills with blood or organs, or if I encounter any other symptoms, I'll let you know.

It's a good thing payday is coming. Apparently one of the first things I'll be shopping around for is hernia surgery.

Friday, March 25, 2011

I wonder if the mayor could send that cemetery clean-up crew to mow this yard

The person I live with here doesn't give a shit what this yard looks like. Recently it takes a letter from the city to get him to have the grass mowed.

I've helped when I could. When there was a working lawn mower, I've use it. I've even paid lawn crews out of my own pocket.

However, yard maintenance here is not my responsibility. The owner of the home is responsible for that.

Having said that, it made me think about that group of youngsters I saw Houston Mayor Annise Parker supervising at the College Park Cemetery recently on ABC 13 News.

What a powerful statement from the mayor. I guess that was her way a saying, "Sure, I'm the mayor of the fourth largest city in the country, but I'm not above taking a Sunday afternoon to watch a bunch of black kids clean up a cemetery."

I certainly don't want to put words in the mayor's mouth, but that was a very powerful message to send to a city desperately needing role models and people to look up to. Community service is important, and what a great way to show your commitment to service.

Anyway, I thought about calling her office and asking if they could come help clean up this neighborhood (coincidentally called College Park) by mowing the fucking yard.

Have someone in your office call me if you think that sounds like something those kids wouldn't mind doing. I'll even make some calls and see if we can't get a news crew out here for some B-roll.

Too bad Col. Gadhafi's son is dead. We could invite him back to town and take some grip-and-grin photos right out in front of this embarrassing house.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Another deer-in-the-headlight photo from Washington D.C.

So, we're sure these two guys have a handle on the situation?

If I was giving advice to federal government Web teams, I would suggest that putting up with the press is difficult enough without making things more difficult on yourselves.

Before posting a photo to a government Web site, I might recommend asking a series of questions to a colleague, or maybe even several colleagues:

* What does this photo communicate to you? Does it send a message that is confusing, or illustrate a point you're not ready to discuss at this time?

* Does the photo communicate competence? These are admittedly difficult times, with unprecedented challenges. Are we contributing to the problem or alleviating the problem if we use this photo.

* Can this photo be interpreted as a threat? If so, will the person(s) we are trying to communicate with understand the message? How will that message be interpreted by everyone else that is not being threatened? In general, threatening assholes is a bad idea unless you're just about ready to take action.

* Ask someone to quickly say the first words that come to mind when they see the photo. Do you hear words like "strength" "reliability," and "confidence," or is the response "Holy shit" or "What the fuck?" This could be a great test as to whether or not a photo belongs on a U.S. government Web site.

I know this is none of my business, but those are my thoughts.

What do you all think about Eric Holder as AG? I still haven't made up my mind completely. I have a nickname for him, that he may or may not deserve. I call him "Mr. Shit-Eating Grin." I guess I've seen him grinning at times I wish he wasn't. He better have information he's not sharing at this time.

The guy sitting next to him in this photo has a puzzling look on his face that I sure hope makes sense to someone.

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Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Larry King, although breathing, speaking and able to walk, has apparently lost brain function

Well, I've heard reports that many seniors see a quick decrease in motor function and brain activity shortly after retirement, and that certainly seems to be the case with grumpy CNN fossil Larry King.

Based on a comment he made tonight during an interview with John King on the extraordinary life of Elizabeth Taylor, he cost CNN an extra $1,000,000 on any future interview with me. This brings CNN's total for any live or taped interview to $6,000,000.

CNN can afford it. And I'm going to get it, assholes.

Here's a tip: I wouldn't put that fart back on the air before you sit down with me, because I'm pissed off and I promise I'll have a fucking calculator in my hand the next time that goofball talks shit.

You'd be best served as a network if he doesn't ever look into a camera again.

I won't say "goodbye," Larry. I'll just say, "so long."

I wonder what he sees in the crowds

Have you noticed all the White House photos recently that show the president looking out into the crowd with a similar look on his face to this one?

Ever wondered what he is seeing? Seriously, in the past couple months it seems like there have been a series of photos in which the president appears to be looking at something either shocking or extremely unpleasant in the room.

What's your theory on this?

Tim McDermott is crazy to ride that fucking bicycle such long distances

Tim McDermott must think he's Lance Armstrong or something.

He's the president of KSBJ in Houston, the city's contemporary Christian radio station. The guy is as goofy as they get, but I love his servant's heart.

When I actually used to listen to KSBJ (we'll get to why I don't anymore in a minute), he would DJ on Sunday mornings so his crew could go to church with their families. Hey, that's what Jesus would do, if Jesus was a DJ.

I went to a KSBJ concert years ago (these were always excellent events), and he got up before the show and held up a bag of peanuts, looking directly at me. He's a real peanut.

They wouldn't stop playing Undo, and that song was offensive to me, so I turned the radio off and started listening to industrial dance music instead. It's more encouraging, and sounds better.

Tell Mr. Peanut that I'll be a guest on his Sunday night talk show for $25,000, and I'll do an on-air interview on any topic at any time for $7,500. I won't say "shit" or "fuck" either.

I could buy a lot of bicycles with that kind of money.

How many people have you told about this blog today?

Getting the word out is imperative, and so is making sure readership grows exponentially.

We all have a role to play in doing just that. My part is to write from time to time. Here's what my readers can do:

Email your friends, relatives and/or coworkers and tell them about this blog by placing this Web address somewhere in the message:

Retweet any blog post announcement I send out via my Twitter account, when you feel a particular blog post is interesting, unusual, relevant or entertaining.

If you use Facebook, simply place a link on your Facebook page (or someone else's page) to this Web address. Here's a sample message you can use:

He's fighting the terrorists and assholes, and addressing his gorgeous Princess. You'll love this!

See how easy that is?

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Tim Heller is a talented weatherman

I was digging around for stuff to write about, when I looked up at the television set and watched the weather report.

Bob Allen, sports reporter for ABC 13 in Houston, says he misses Marvin Zindler (and I think we all do to some degree), but I really miss Ed Brandon. You never worried about anything blowing up, or anything falling through the roof when Ed Brandon did the weather.

I don't worry about that shit most of the time, but Tim Heller is an amazing weatherman. On at least a couple of occasions, he has seemingly been able to accurately predict not just the weather, but the sound of jets above the neighborhood here. He knows how to clear the skies.

He's quite amazing. I'll be watching carefully, especially when I'm digging around for stuff to write about.

Tell him I really don't enjoy the humidity, so I'd love for him to change that immediately.

She was not raped

Note to Princess: I'm sorry I have to share this. It happened almost a decade ago. This must be addressed.

When a woman answers the door in nothing but a bathrobe and a pair of panties with a beer in her hand, she was not raped.

When she drops the bathrobe to the floor moments after shutting the front door and invites me into her bedroom, she was not raped.

When she points at my penis and says, "I like that!" and then rides it for an hour or two, she was not raped.

When she invites me to sleep in her bed all night after the event, she was not raped.

When she fakes a pregnancy after I tell her later I will not date her (even thought I didn't ejaculate inside of her), she was not raped.

When I get so furious at her for faking a pregnancy that she comes back from the office bathroom claiming she had a miscarriage in the stall, she was not raped.

I'm only telling you some of the less embarrassing details. This woman needed serious counseling by a psychiatrist.

She was not raped.

"John is Waiting for His Princess" posts now avilable here

Are you happy I'm blogging again? I hope so, and I hope we can talk about some things here that will generate great discussion.

I have imported my previous blog, "John is Waiting for His Princess," into this blog. You can find those older posts by looking at anything dated before 3/21/11.

I have a creative bug inside of me, and I absolutely have to do something occasionally to keep my mind occupied while we wait for the future. If I'm not creating something, I get incredibly bored. Blogging is a fantastic form of creative and personal expression.

Also, there are times things just need to be said publicly, and often I feel like I'm the only person willing to say them.

One of my YouTube subscribers said that posting something to a blog each day is an important goal, so that's what I'm going to try to do. Some days, I may post several times.

Please check back often if you're following me online, and I should have new posts to keep you updated.

An Open Letter to the Princess

Blogger's note: I'm not dating at this time, so any reference to "the Princess" in this blog should be seen as artistic expression and reaching out to potential love interests. Having said that, if you are the beautiful Princess and feel like I'm writing this to you, I am.

My dearest Princess,

I long for you. My heart feels unfulfilled, like it's missing something. My heart is missing you.

It seems as if warfare has broken out against our love. I can never gaze into your eyes. I can never hold you and feel your silky skin against mine. I can never kiss your bottom. I long for these days to be over so we can be together.

The terrorists and assholes have done all they could do to keep us apart. For now, they've succeeded. But just on the other side of this trial is a wonderful life we'll share. We're going to have so much fun together!

I ask you to stay strong, and stay focused. Distractions may come from every direction, and we may grow tired and occasionally want to give up.

But that's what sets you apart, and that's why I've chosen you. You're focused. You know that our waiting will not be in vain.

Luckily, we don't let assholes win in America, so we're going to be just fine. However, our wait isn't quite over yet. Occasionally, tough days may come. It's in those tough times we have to remember the great reward that awaits us--the reward of each others amazing love!

When times get tough and you feel like giving up on us, I want you to think about this: You're special. You're set apart. You're the best. You're the Princess!

That's exciting, baby, so don't let go!

Keep reading this blog. I'll say "hello" here from time to time, even though we can't be together right now.

Whatever it is you do every day, do it to the best of your ability and concentrate on the task at hand.

I already know you're great, but the tough times are preparing you. I'm really looking forward to spending time with you and getting to know you.

I love you, gorgeous.


Monday, March 21, 2011

A bad press conference for this guy? He's balding and he's pissed the POTUS off.

Current Interview Rates

Effective immediately, the rates for my media interviews, now and in the future, are published here. These rates apply to ANY news story I may be involved in the future.

You might want to scroll down first to make sure your specific news organization is not listed by name.

National sit down, televised interview (live or taped):

$20,000 for the first two hours of my time, $7,500 for each additional hour

National print or web interview:

$12,500 for the first two hours of my time, $7,500 for each additional hour

Local, televised sit down interview (live or taped)

$7,500 for the first two hours of my time, $2,500 for each additional hour

Local print or web interview

$5,000 for the first two hours of my time, $2,500 for each additional hour

The exceptions are the rates for the Houston Chronicle ($10,000,000) or ABC 13 in Houston ($500,000,000, including all ABC News) for any interview, any length. I'll even spend the whole day with you at that rate if you want.

Additionally, in each instance I will be allowed to bring my own recording device, either audio or video. The audio or video produced will be added to a personal web site in its entirety.

I don't want to hear a lecture on journalistic ethics, either. Why would you all start worrying about that now?

Have the check ready and the reporter will have complete access and can ask any question they want without limitations.

Best of luck.


Anyone at CNN or CNN Headline News $500,000,000
(I'd call soon and start interviewing people about this on the record, or you are seriously not going to be able to afford to cover this story. I'm not negotiating).

NY Times $25,000,000

Time Magazine $25,000,000

CNBC $10,000,000

NBC News $20,000,000

USA Today $5,000,000

Reuters $2,500,000

Fox News $12,500,000

ESPN $10,000,000

AP $5,000,000

CBS News $20,000,000

Inside Edition $10,000,000

S.F. Chronicle $50,000,000

(I should have mentioned this before, but these rates are non-negotiable and can be changed at my discretion at any time).

In reference to CNN's brilliant broadcasting this evening

Does anyone have a theory on how Shell Oil Company would promote someone that stupid to CEO? And now he's the head of some oil industry think tank or consultancy? Must be dark days for the oil industry. Goofball!

And what is happening with journalism? Do these industries self-regulate or have safeguards in place to make sure people actually do their jobs?

And what is going on with Mr. Blitzer? He doesn't understand the scope of how dumb he looks sometimes. And that guy that's on in the evening, before Piers Morgan. The former AG of New York... Jesus, what are they paying these people to do? I don't expect you to ask all the questions but I do expect you to ask some of them.

Dark days for journalists. Goofballs. I just don't want them to blow me up. Or shoot me. Or crash an airplane into a building I'm in. I guess them acting like this isn't happening is OK for now. As my patience gets worn more and more thin, I suppose my interview rates will just have to go up.

I'll publish my current interview rates in another post soon.